(new suggested topic from Nancy Ohlen) I would like to see some discussion of Skill 6. The foundational attitudes toward dealing with stress and life's challenges are established, I believe (and have seen borne out in the lives of adults I knew well as very young children) during the very early years of life.
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In reading Skill 6 I thought about that saying ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Obviously the person who came up with that was someone who learned to cope with stress. I think of how my own children, my husband and I cope with stress. I grew up in a family that was pretty low key. My mom and dad didn’t overreact when we fell down and got a cut. If we had a challenge in our life in school or friends we could talk to them about it and develop a solution. They were there when we needed them and didn’t let us dwell on something. My mom was famous for saying ‘pull up your boots, find a solution and move on’. As an adult although a stressor temporarily might stop me in my tracks it doesn’t totally derail me. For the most part four of my five children are the same way. The exception is my oldest daughter who has struggled with bipolar disorder since she was about nine years old. This made her relationship with me (I was a single mother of 5 at the time) very stressful. When something happens, no matter the degree, she falls apart. My husband is much the same way. His father traveled a lot for business when he was small so there wasn’t a really close relationship and then he lost both his mom and dad when he was in his early teens. Everything is a catastrophe no matter what it is and he has a hard time coming back from it. I certainly believe the experiences you have and the relationships you have early in your life affect the way you handle stress as an adult.
Dotti,
you are absolutely right. I came from a home with some tention. Being one of five and the oldest, I had a lot of responsiblity. Sometime known as the second mom of the house. My mother in law often says that she feels sorry for me. But the fact of the matter is it made me a stronger child and woman. I have given some of those responsiblities over the years to the 4 girls that I have raised. Most of the time the older ones bauks at the responsiblity calling themselves "cinderella". Now usually as each child grows they have less responsiblity, at least it seems to be the norm of people that I have polled over the years. The youngest one in our house is the most responsible of all the children, Usually this it the other way around don't most of you find? Oh she is the "perfect" one, the siblings will say. I am thinking that she is the one who stategizes more and works better from a praise of her efforts. Boy has this book made me do some thinking.
As you can imagine this has caused some tention over the years but we are working hard to come to a realistic way to handle this. God willing I can use this book to encourage my family. Worrking toward a more trust worthy relationship, set goals that are realisic.
I was intrigued by Nathan Fox’s findings regarding the role of parenting style as a factor in the way children who have a “disposition to become shy” learn to regulate their emotions when faced with new experiences. It is my opinion that his finding can be applied to the way we, as teachers, interact with all of our students. It is part of our “job description” to be encouraging and positive as we guide our students. I was raised by an alarmist and have had to train myself over the years to do a “reality check” of situations – how really dangerous, what could be the consequences and how important are they -- before showing my negative emotions in my body language, voice or actions.
A very “laid back” friend who had an older boy mentored me when I became a mother. One of the most valuable lessons she taught me was when my son began climbing the small trees in our backyard to stay unobtrusively within earshot in case I was needed and let him climb! It was really difficult for me to apply that principle, standing back and letting him play in neighbors’ yards, walk to the bus stop by himself and eventually be the first in his group to drive a car. For me today this means spotting a child as s/he climbs a play structure rather than saying, “You’re too small and you might get hurt” and allowing children to use hammers and nails, watching them carefully to be sure the nails don’t go into their mouths and being prepared to deal with an occasional banged finger with cold water and an understanding that that’s part of the learning process. (I was fascinated when at their Waldorf preschool my granddaughters cooked soup on a stove, cut vegetables with real knives and drank from glass glasses.) While administrators of schools may not show children their “fear faces”, they show their alarmist nature by not allowing activities which might lead to litigation even though free exploration of the world is thwarted.
We are not always “alarmist” due to potential danger, but to concern over potential mess. We know that children need creative and tactile experiences, but particularly in a tightly structured time frame the resulting clean-up can seem overwhelming. So we are tempted to settle for quick and neat experiences. I am so grateful I had my family daycare for so many years. We made huge messes playing in the sink, making cookies from “scratch,” finger painting with various concoctions, rearranging play spaces, and generally trying whatever my latest EEC training had suggested.
The foundational attitudes toward dealing with stress and life's challenges
I found this to be a tough topic with a wide array of possible circumstances each to be taken on individual situations. My family has had so many stressful events. The loss of my 8 yr old son, My 27 yr old sisters 2 yr valiant but ending battle with cancer and her 2 yr old baby becoming mine. Losing my mom of cancer shortly after.My husbands motorcycle accident and traumatic brain injury. Our divorce after 20 years. The loss and stress in such a short period of time that my children had to watch and live through. How did we get through this ? People ask me this all the time. I tried very hard to keep a few suggestions in the forefront of my thoughts and to always be honest with my kids about my feelings.
1) Hold them close and allow them to say what they are feeling without trying to "fix"it. TRUST/SAFETY
2)Hold them close and allow myself to say what I'm feeling letting them know that they are helping me by letting me hold them close. HONESTY
3)Time takes Time. PATIENCE
Give ourselves permission to allow that to happen
4)Our higher power can see around corners that we cannot. Its OK to NOT know why . I believe there is a positive in every situation even if we cannot see it. FAITH
5) Keep your hands and your head in the same place. AWARENESS
Example:If you are washing a dish look at your hands and say I'm washing a dish. There is soap on the dish, the dish is red etc. This helped with homework, sports or just trying to fall asleep.
6) How IMPORTANT is it? Most things are not.
I grew up with poverty and my share of family dysfunction.I was told to "put my big girl pants on" because the sun will come up every day even if I don't want it to. Tough , but it served me in my adulthood. I chose a softer ,warmer mode of instilling inner strength in my children. My daycare kids are treated as my own. I am fortunate that I am able to scoop them onto my lap and hold them when they are sad, scared, stressed... and allow them to tell me what is in their thoughts. I think we can handle most anything as long as we have someone safe to turn to.
Wow! That was powerful Donna. I so appreciate your honesty and wisdom. I might need to print you’re your 6 suggestions for daily reflection. You are a wise woman.
I can attest to the power of having someone safe to turn to. I was sent to a Catholic boarding school when I was in 1st grade, very traumatic to be away from home and mom at such a young age. My mom died of cancer when I was 14 and I left boarding school to be with my dad who was 69 years old, drank a bit too much and was devastated by the loss of his wife. I started high school in the town in which I grew up but I did not know a soul. This was a really hard time in my life but I had the great good fortune of having a wonderful guidance counselor. His door was always open. He listened to me, let me cry, never judged me, encouraged me and supported me. This person saved me. I think as an early childhood teacher, I can support parents and children in the same way, just by being present, by listening and supporting.
I have to say that I find it much easier to be that supportive non-judgmental listener with other people’s children than with my own!
When I have a child who is suffering from separation anxiety, and it is time for the parent to leave, I always have a conversation with mom/dad about how they are being viewed by their child. I always ask them that even though their child is upset, they should try to have a smile on their face and say to their child “It’s okay! You are going to have a great day!”. Children take from their parents body language and if the parent looks as though they are concerned or upset about the child being upset, I find that it makes matters worse. Same thing with children that fall down while on the playground etc.,. Keeping a calm disposition helps to keep the child calm as well – I think it helps to give the child the message that it is going to be okay as opposed to the message of OMG! I am really hurt and am in danger!.
When Galinsky talked about skill six she continuously stated how we as adults need to know how to positively manage our stress. Babies and young children look to us when something happens to see how we will react. They also look to us for reassurance when experiencing something new. I see this all the time in my classroom, just as in the book on page 257 under parents perspective. For example I have one child whom is 17 months old and is constantly look to me for my reactions. She will look to me weather she is apprehensive about something new and just needs a little push from me. She will also look to me when she knows she is doing something bad and is waiting for my angry face. Her big thing is going under the cribs or standing on toys. She inches her way toward the crib as she gazes to see my reaction.
Donna’s quote, “the sun will come up every day even if you don't want it to” is so right. I have found myself telling my own children to “suck it up”. It may sound harsh but I say it with love. Just because we are upset, not feeling well or have an “issue” it doesn’t mean that the whole world stops. Life goes on and so must we. There are stressors in our lives every day, how we choose to deal with them is what matters. And I truly believe that each stressor that you live through makes you stronger and ready for the next one. We cannot dwell on the little things, we need to deal with them and move on. I really have a hard time understanding when someone says that they had a “bad day” at work. There are stressful and challenging moments but did it ruin the whole day? As adults, we need to model to our children and the children that we care for how to deal with the world around us. And we need to do it in an honest and age appropriate way. I have a child at my Center “M” that is turning 5. Her parents are very loving but do not allow M to make mistakes or make many choices. When things do not go exactly as expected M has a difficult time dealing. I have tried to show her that ____ will be ok, and give her alternatives to deal with it. She is very black and white and will ignore any suggestions and as if playing a tape recorder will obsess about her perceived issue. Lately it has been naptime. She worries about naptime and complains that she doesn’t want to sleep. I assured her and her parents that she doesn’t have to sleep. We give her books and activities to do on her cot while waiting for the others to fall asleep and allow her to play quietly. She will get up to use the bathroom 4-5 times in a 45 minute time. She refuses to use our books and has brought her own coloring books to color. When you tell her she can go play quietly she again refuses and will stay on her mat coloring her book. At the time, you think she is happy with her book, until the next day when her parent complains about the same thing all over again. We can’t eliminate a quiet time. We let her do whatever she wants to do at quiet time but she won’t do it and then complains that she doesn’t want to sleep (which she doesn’t usually). M has gotten herself all worried about a nonexistent problem. I have tried to talk with her about it and I just get the tape recorder, I don’t want to sleep. I tell her don’t sleep, it’s ok and I will list the other children that don’t sleep. Nothing seems to make a difference. I really worry how M will be able to handle a real problem. I believe as parents and care givers our job is to prepare our children for the real world. It doesn’t mean throw them to the wolves but rather guide and teach them to handle their own problems, make their own choices, be a good person and do what makes them happy.
I loved the Teacher’s perspective: You’re not the boss of my legs! Who doesn’t want to feel powerful? I can’t imagine someone telling me what to do all day just because they are the teacher. Being the teacher doesn’t make someone any more special. We are all important and we should all have some say in what we do. When safety is at risk then it may be a different story, but it is all in how we deal with it. I love the way this teacher dealt with Harry. Instead of giving him an “I’m the teacher and I said so speech” she put the ball in his court. He was absolutely right she was not the boss of his legs, he was. And he needed to tell his legs how to safely go down the hill. I think this approach will be more memorable to Harry and the other children and be more effective in the long run.
Donna-
Thank you for sharing the stresses in your life. I too have had many stresses. For a while-it seemed as though a black cloud had landed on my family and the wind was not blowing it away. My sister was murdered by her ex-husband who also killed himself...leaving 3 children for my parents to raise while at the same time I was finding out that my son was severely disabled and my best friend was dying of cancer. My father-in-law also died of cancer a few years later...dying on the same day has my sister...Many of your tips for advice are much of the same things we followed as a family. My motto: One day at a time...and everything is a process. When trying to deal with the stresses...I try to brake everything down as not to get overwhelmed. p. 283 Getting back on the Horse...is how we all survived! I have always tried to take time for myself as then I know I can be a better person for others. Galinsky pointed out as adults we should share our coping strategies with children to help them learn how to cope. I do find myself saying, "just breathe" a lot.
I also loved how she reinforced encouraging children for their effort rather than their brains. I often have to remind myself to do this as it will encourage the child to work for a challenge rather than shy away from it.
I am blown away by what everyone is sharing, and appreciate so much all your honesty and openness. Recently, last year actually, I was suffering from severe mental stress, and extreme exhaustion which led to a bit of a nervous breakdown. I know my chidren watched me very closely but each had different reactions to the situation. It was never a situation that was unsafe in any way, but I was in the hospital for physical reactions to the stress and seizures caused by physical exhaustion and that were stress induced. My reaction to the situation at hand was to look to my faith and church family for prayer and support as well as my own family. I tend to believe that birth order sometimes has much to do with the way we handle life stress as well. I have read numerous studies done on birth order and have seen many repeating behaviors and strategies for dealing with stress.
My parents are both pretty laid back and were all through my childhood, as were my Grandparents who were very involved as secondary caregivers. The same with my husband. But to know us is to know two of the tightest wound people in the world! Our children however, are as different as night and day. My daughter, even as I write is nervous about a meeting with her principle about a child who is bullying her. She has been losing weight and hair, and has completely changed her attitude about school as a result of this situation. She is moody, likes to be alone and has developed nervous habits in the past 4 months and has never disliked school. While I can see both my husband and myself in her, my son is the total opposite. He had a similar situation in classroom and just completely blew the whole thing off and never let it bother him. He rarely seems stressed and doesn’t let little things bother him. Even during the health scare situation, my daughter was very concerned, and he seemed not to notice, and handled things totally differently. I believe some behavior is learned, and coping strategies can be, but I also believe our temperament is predisposed.
I truly believe that positive relationships that children have with adults has a huge impact on how children deal with stress. Galinsky talks about emotional communication that can be either encouraging or discouraging after a child broke a vase.
While a work this weekend I encountered a great example of how adults deal with children and the child's ability to cope with a stressful situation. We lost heat in one of the buildings and had to have some kids sleep on another house. Abby got very upset about this and started verbally acting out saying that she was not going to sleep there. One of the staff members started to talk with her about her behaviors but did not spend the time to find out the source of the problem which escalated Abby further. I checked in with Abby and she had some legitimate fears as to why she did not want to be in the other building. We talked about it and were able to think of positive things about the house. She was able to calm down and thanked me. In order for her to handle her stress, she needed some positive encouragement, understanding and a change in her perceptions. I told her that I would check on her in the morning to see how her night went and she said she slept cozy. I feel like kids are born with different temperaments which made predispose them to be more stressed out than other children however they are not born with self-talk. It is something they pick up from their environment from either a parent or role model and they watch how you handle stress. I know when things are challenging for me, I tell myself that I can do it or it will be okay to get through situations. I feel that this is an important skill for children to have to persevere through life’s challenges.
Taking on Challenges
Chapter #6, as appeared, was my favorite chapter from the book. It constituted my life’s motto Be Proactive (S. Covey’s Habit #1 I’ve mentioned in my comment on topic Resources) or by Ellen Galinsky words Taking on Challenges. I enjoyed reading a very informative introduction on nature, mechanism, and managing of stress. The author also gave an explicit list of stress managing examples. The chapter helped me to broaden my understanding of the subject and definitely supported some of my views on ways of dealing with stress from my own life situations.
It brought to life painful memories from my very stressful last college semester and resonated my inadequate response to that… just walk away, erase off all possible memories, connections, images, and put on so called music for driving (p. 286).
The chapter’s conclusion (or suggestion 13) made me smile. As I wrote in my comment for chapter 7, in my opinion, there should be a chance for a child to hear praising words on their intelligence/personality growth especially if it was a result of great effort and Ellen Galinsky actually agreed on doing that “…once in a while”
It is interesting about how all kids handle stress differently even within the same family and environment. Last year, my dog past away. My three children dealt with the stress and grieved very differently. My oldest wrote letters to our dog expressing how she felt bad for the dog and expressed empathy for our dog Cindy
My middle child would get sad when he remembered certain things about the dog but it seemed more about him. For example, we went to the pet store and he started to cry and asked who he would feed the free biscuit to.
My youngest one probably do to her age did not really understand or process the passing and made comments to her sister and brother such as Cindy is dead to upset them. A year later, she started to make pictures that included the dog and has made comments that we are missing part of our family since she is now understanding what death means.
I am sure that the way we deal with stress depends on not only our processing of the event and how we are able to cope with it but also the maturity level of the child can play a huge role and there understanding of the events.
When reading Chapter 6 one particular child instantly came to my mind. There was a child in the older infant room who had a very hard time coping with any kind of changes. He was also having a hard time adjusting to school itself. The teachers would lay him on a boppy, give him his blanket, and let him spend most of his day just laying there. He sucks his thumb and rubs his own head to soothe himself. If the teachers moved him, encouraged him to play, or if another child was near him, he would get very upset and cry. When becoming a toddler he entered my classroom. Things did not get any better at the beginning. He would lay in library area on the beanbag lion sucking his thumb, rubbing his head, and crying for his blanket. This could last hours. He hated going outside because he could not lay down, which was his only way of coping with the stress of being at school. After a month or so of this a co-teacher and I decided to try to take the lion out of the classroom. We then slowly stopped allowing him go always having his blanket. This made it so he had to find other ways to cope. End of rest time was the worse when it was time to put the blanket away. He finally started to look on at classroom activities. Then project time became one of his favorites. One day he just stopped asking for the blanket and had no problem putting it away! He is now one of the happiest child in my classroom! He still sucks his thumb and rubs his own head at rest or when he is tired but rarely other than that!
The level of sharing done by this group is powerful. It makes me appreciate how complex people are and how experiences and situations help shape a person in ways that are not obvious to the casual observer.
I think stress can effect a child in their day to day actions: My husband can always tell my mood by watching the kids when he comes in the door after a long day at work. He says they mimic my behaviors, if I am singing and dancing around the house, then so are they. But yet, stress is part of life and is what helps prepare children for adulthood. When I feel stress, if it is appropriate, I try to "talk" through it for the children to provide just one model for dealing with a particular situation. After all, "a normal childhood has challenges in it" and we need to help teach children strategies for dealing with those challenges.
I feel that teaching children tools for managing stress is an important part of emotional education. I include in that the idea that we have a choice about how we will react to upsetting situations. When a child is stuck on a certain behavior, such as crying at drop off time, I acknowledge the child's sorrow or anger, but then I point out that they have a choice as to whether they have a good day or a bad day. I help the child calm down by stroking the child's back slowly, and talking quietly. Then we talk about which first activities might feel best. I also teach some yoga and "centering" techniques which I sometimes suggest a child use when they feel upset. When my son was very young, I used to do this with him at stressful times such as waiting in the doctor's office. I would stroke his back while he sat in my lap, matching the stroke with my breathing. It worked well, and he says he uses slow breathing to this day to calm himself down.
I agree with Nora, teaching children how to manage their stress is extremely important. Stress will never go away and only get worse and by not learning to deal with it at a young age it holds you back. You can not fully engage when you are overcome by your stress. Once you learn to manage stress, there are many positive outcomes. As Nora does I also rub the child's back when they are stressed (unless it is a child that needs their space and does not like being touched).
I have a 3 year old C who when she is happy she is very happy. but when she is upset she loses it. It is usually over something small but it is a loss of control. She usually shrieks and bursts into tears. Instead of yelling back or just telling her to stop I firmly say her name and ask her to look at me. Once she regains her focus towards me instead of the issue I come closer and rub her back and we talk about it in a very calm way. She realizes she doesn't need to scream and we fix the problem. She is doing much better now when she yells and I say her name she looks at me refocuses and calms down almost instantly.
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